I hate..

I HATE that i just bumped into him. and i hate that his sweet little boy said hi to me. I hate that just seeing him brings on this chemical reaction to just start balling. I don't think it's just the thought of him. But who he is. I feel powerless around him. That if he said to me today... leave and be with me, i would be there in a heartbeat. Those fucking butterflies that i never ever feel anymore are exsistent with him. I hate that I have to feel guilty. Sometimes i hate this is my life. That I have to stifle my true feelings because there wrong. Sometimes I'm a liar and me life is a lie. And I just want to go to him, and have an abusive violent relatioship with him. That would be happiness for me. I'm Fucked.